Tantra and the Art of Celibacy

by Kypris April 9th, 2008

In all the years that I’ve been teaching, learning, and growing, I never dreamed that I would choose an intentional practice of celibacy. In fact, I always felt a bit of distaste for the very idea. I figured that celibacy practice was for other people. But today I’m humbled, because I am two weeks into doing this practice myself, and I am awed by its power.
It started out as a hot tub conversation. I was soaking and sharing with a friend about my relationships with men, and how I was striving to be more accepting, more joyful, and more loving in those relationships. The next thing I knew, my friend was sharing about his own celibacy practice, and I heard my body resonating with the voice of Spirit, saying "yes, yes, yes!" I wasn’t happy about this. I didn’t want to be celibate. I didn’t want to become a dried up and shriveled middle-aged old crone. And besides, how could I teach tantra and be celibate? How could this possibly fit with my passion for teaching sacred sexuality, and who I am at my core?
My friend explained that his practice only meant abstaining from intercourse, but still allowing heart and sexual connection with his partners. That sounded easier. I didn’t have to give up connection, or orgasms, or moving sexual energy, just intercourse. Simple, right? Of course there would be some logistical issues, like how much contact would be okay between the yoni and lingam? And would this mean I would substitute oral intercourse for penetration? And would that really be that much of a difference?
Then the voices started in my head. Waves of fear rushed into me, fear of losing the lovers who were in my life, fear of being alone, fear of not being desirable if I couldn’t offer a full connection to the men in my life. I realized that I had been making love with my lovers not just from desire to express my sexuality, but also from some need to gain approval. I had been falling into the age-old trap of many women all over the world—giving sex to get love.
What has happened instead of this imagined abandonment has been a miracle. In fact, I have been surprised and deeply moved by the willingness of my lovers to hold space for me to move through this time. I am loving that I have a month of time to feel into my heart with each of them, to really see how we can move together from a place of unconditional love. Spirit is showing me that the choices I make about connecting sexually affect my whole body and my whole life. I am beginning to understand that my yoni can choose. She can receive and hold negative emotion from my partners. She can choose to abstain from intercourse with partners who are not emotionally clear. Or she can learn to shift and release negative energies that come into her, claiming her naturally powerful and clear state. This is the role of the tantric healer, to facilitate the release of negative energies and consciously choose not to take those energies into her body.
What’s also interesting about celibacy is how it plays out in my sexuality. I find that even though I have a strong sex drive, and like to experience my sexuality at least once a day, I don’t miss intercourse that much, especially if I am still allowed to connect to my lovers in oral sex. In fact, it’s a whole new opportunity for me to explore oral sex more than ever before, to really dive into how good it feels to connect my mouth to another’s body, and to receive oral pleasure in my yoni. But beyond this, I am finding that I can experience orgasm just from a breast massage, or from kissing, as long as I am really connecting with my partner and moving the kundalini between us. It’s the connection that’s important to me, not the way I connect. Being celibate is a true letting go of goals, and trusting that my needs will be met, both in and out of the bedroom.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, and I’m by no means free of all the nagging thoughts about my lovers that made this practice necessary for me. But I am finally free of the physical symptoms that were manifesting in my body as a result of my thoughts, and the thoughts have become whispers most of the time, instead of shouts. I am healing through this practice, and coming into a place of learning to follow Spirit in all that I do, by letting myself flow with the people in my life from a place of powerful centering.
Celibacy is giving me so far even more than I hoped it would: a deep feeling of love and respect for myself, a reality check about how much I am loved by the men in my life, some relief from my old patterns with men, and a powerful feeling of centering in my emotional body. It’s as if an energy of love and light is building in me. Lately people keep saying that I am glowing, and asking what is so different in my life that I look so alive and happy. This feels like a wonderful affirmation from Spirit that I am on the right path, which allows me to surrender more and more to the experience. In that surrender, I am finding my way back to myself, and to the powerful and loving Goddess within that is my birthright.